I have a lot of friends in my various faith circles who have cut down their church attendance or simply left their churches or fellowship groups because they have made decisions to pursue love and relationships with individuals who, more times then not are outside of their faith environments. For the bulk of them, these relationships spell the chance for security, happiness and eventually long term relationships and family. In 95% of the cases I am referencing the pursuit of these relationships involves egregious compromise of if not abandoning or drastically denying one’s faith and religious beliefs in the course of that relationship or partnership.

The “pursued” partner doesn’t always come out and say “leave your faith” or, “it’s either that or me”. They don’t physically prohibit you from attending church or your fellowship. Instead the “pursued” doesn’t support or respectfully acknowledge or encourage the pursuit of faith by the “Believer”. They don’t encourage you to resist compromise of your beliefs or resist taking shortcuts. They don’t encourage you to remain a “little goody two-shoe” and resist the flesh, rather they almost implore you to enjoy the flesh, in most cases…..with them.

Taking it further the people in question I am referring to ultimately stopped attending church because those they chose to pursue are not a part of their faith circles. And once they have that partner, the pursued “non-believer” never wants anything to do with the faith or church or in some cases religion in general. The pursued “non-believing” partner in the cases I am referring too encourages and fosters an attitude that the church is not needed. Spirituality can be had without church or even reading texts and that they can better utilize their time….with them.

The partner of faith is manipulated into spending more time with the “pursued” and away from the environment or people that may convict them of sin or force them to look at their “new moral stance”. I can say from personal experience and the experiences of the numerous cases around me the person of faith pursuing the person outside of his or her faith circles is often dealing with a number of real psychological issues.

Deep issues of self-esteem and self worth, loneliness, the desire for family of their own, for children coupled with isolation because of faith especially in very insular faith practices. It can be all of the above or in other real cases, hardcore lust and sexual desire, coupled with all of the above that fuel the believers decisions to step out and move away from their faith and moral boundaries.

A lot of these young people in my circles including myself come from either mildly functional to very “non-normal” family environments and suffer from massive issues of self esteem and identity. Coupled with deeply inaccurate or flawed teachings about Christianity, especially coming from very exclusive or insular organizations with very narrow views and understanding, a lot of these young folks and otherwise, start down paths that on a secular level, let alone a spiritual level can be very destructive.

In the cases familiar to me and in my past experience, the “non-believing” partner is not totally about or for the believer and their beliefs, but rather they are the one who is seeking a relationship with “parts” of the believer, selective in what he or she is willing to accept about the believer. In the worst case scenario the non-believer is out to control, manipulate or change the “believer” as the believer has already demonstrated a tendency to be weak willed and compromising in their beliefs. Once you’ve laid down with a person on several occasions you have opened a Pandora’s box from which it is nearly impossible to recover from and adjust people’s perceptions after the fact.

But in other instances we see people pressured because they won’t compromise fully. They are going through deep emotional turmoil as they are honestly facing the choice of compromise or being alone, and they are leaning towards a moral stance and maintaining their faith. Sometimes these people are sorry that the non-believer won’t join them, won’t accept them or just won’t tolerate their attempts to remain celibate and maintain crucial aspects of their faith and morality.

Don’t be sorry or remorseful when that person you have chosen to explore a relationship with has decided you must choose between your “faith” and them. Their words may not be so blunt and they won’t phrase it that way but the truth of the matter will be obvious. More times than not some of us feel like we are staring down the barrel of a gun and forced to choose between God and a limited way of life and a partner and physical happiness and bliss.

When I was younger I chose a relationship where I was ultimately made to choose between expressing love through pre-marital sex or being alone and breaking up with that person. With the fear of being alone compounded by my deep self esteem issues I chose to stay with the woman. The relationship and eventually the marriage were a complete disaster whose negative affects I feel and live with until this day, a full 8 years after its end.

In hindsight I can say I would have completely committed to my God. Committed in a way that would have been empowering and enabled me to really STAND on the principles I had been called to make my morality. I would have never crossed the threshold of intimacy with a person who did not share the same goals and values that I had, simply for the sake of companionship and having a partner. In my irrational thought and lack of strength I damaged 2 lives and not just mine alone and for that I will be eternally sorry for what I did to another human being in the course of a relationship not built on honesty, trust and shared devotion to the creator God.

My marriage and several relationships before had all the classic hallmarks of co-dependent/dysfunctional relationships. These characteristics begin to emerge as people make changes to themselves to fit together with a person who might be nice and genuinely affectionate, physically attractive or completely exciting but doesn’t have a lot of the essential things in common in the mental and/or spiritual realm.

Take it from me when you compromise….you suffer. It may not be apparent at first but trust me…you really really lay the groundwork for some of the most painful periods in your life and a lot of experiences that may leave you scared…for life.

I haven’t talked much about the standard cliche scriptural references to abstinence and being equally yoked because in the same cases I am referencing and my own we all knew them by heart and could recite them and even give sermons on them, yet you see how far that has gotten a lot of us. I would rather explore something a little different. Using the writings of the Apostle Paul I want to get us to see OUR value in GOD’s eyes and get us to see why you should rely on him for a mate and to ease the pains and anxiety of loneliness and desire for kids and family.

In Ephesians 1, versus 3 – 14 we essential hear that God had chosen those IN HIM to be IN CHRIST before the foundation of the world. Ephesians 1:3-14 KJV
[3] Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ: [4] According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love: [5] Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, [6] To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. [7] In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace; [8] Wherein he hath abounded toward us in all wisdom and prudence; [9] Having made known unto us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure which he hath purposed in himself: [10] That in the dispensation of the fulness of times he might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven, and which are on earth; even in him: [11] In whom also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestinated according to the purpose of him who worketh all things after the counsel of his own will: [12] That we should be to the praise of his glory, who first trusted in Christ. [13] In whom ye also trusted , after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also after that ye believed, ye were sealed with that holy Spirit of promise, [14] Which is the earnest of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, unto the praise of his glory.”

If you truly believe all that was just said, considering ones standing with God and the power we are entrusted with and have access too, shouldn’t we learn to rely on the creator for a partner? Shouldn’t we consider what Yeshua said as rule number one for the Christian life?….Matthew 6:33-34 KJV
[33] But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. [34] Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

How can we as flawed, dysfunctional incomplete human beings trust our own carnal fleshly judgement to pick an appropriate mate when God who called you before the dawn of the ages and is fashioning you into his kind will have the appropriate partner to exactly fit you! We see with our eyes and our flesh where as God sees spirit and the heart and knows the potential.

God knows ALL we have been through and suffered with and is going to give you a mate who UPLIFTS AND SUPPORTS ALL OF YOU, not just the parts he or she likes. Your mate will in essence, reflect the nature of Christ. Will move like Christ, will think like Christ and will have your heart, mind and well being as the chief motivation for their actions.
If you make getting to know God and serving God your primary goal in life, you will be blessed with THE MATE for you, THE RELIEF from the anxiety and fears you face and as Paul states in Philippians 4:7 KJV
[7] And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

It has taken me years to recover from my mistakes and I am still fighting against so much in the course of this life. My heart break comes from watching the people around me in the faith suffer at their own hands by their own choices. It is those that I wish to encourage and inspire to look at the bottom line in terms of your value to the creator and the purpose you have yet to realize. Ask yourselves critical questions about the relationships your in and the ones your pursuing. Then ask your selves the truly hard questions. Where do you really see yourselves in Christ and is it possible to realize your destiny and calling when you are being pulled away from Christ. Can you trust God to provide you with a mate? And if you feel your prayers aren’t being answered them maybe there is something about YOU that makes you not ready yet. Ask what it is and it will be revealed so that you eventually can be ready for the one God has for you.

To be completely honest the entire chapter in Philippians 4 says it best as Paul gives us the formula for approaching our walk Philippians 4:4-9,11-13,19 KJV

[4] Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. [5] Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. [6] Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. [7] And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. [8] Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. [9] Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. [11] Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. [12] I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. [13] I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. [19] But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.